


The First Thing I Remember Knowing

by smc_27



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:44:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smc_27/pseuds/smc_27
Summary: Serena smiles, pulls on her mittens, and tells him she’ll race him to the park. His mother trails behind them, calling after them to slow down and to stop at the corner. Or, a series of moments between Serena and Anne Archibald.





	The First Thing I Remember Knowing

**Author's Note:**

> I've pretty much ignored canon from from sometime around season 4.

Her first winter away from New York, she’s in Sweden and people keep telling her they’re surprised she’s American, and her boots are too tight on her feet for three whole days before her mother buys her new ones. She has a snowball fight with Eric and feels bad when she hits him in the face by accident and he starts crying. Klaus yells at her and she feels a little scared of him and goes to her room, reads by the window and the maid brings her some hot cocoa and tells her that Klaus is all bark and no bite. The woman presses her hand down over Serena’s hair so lovingly it makes her feel a lot better. 

When she’s woken up one morning a week before they’re supposed to leave, the maid - Agnes - pulls back the curtains and then brings over a postcard. 

“This came for you, sweetheart.” 

Serena sits up, smiles at the picture of Times Square on the front, and looks up at Agnes. 

Nate’s scribbly writing is on the back, saying he misses her and and he went to South Carolina with his dad for a few days to sail, and _call me when you get back_. She looks at the address, carefully printed out by his mother’s hand, and smiles to herself.

She can’t find the postcard when she’s back at home, and she’s afraid she’s left it at Klaus’ awful cabin and when she gets upset about it, Nate just laughs and says, “Who cares? You’re here with me now, silly.” 

Serena smiles, pulls on her mittens, and tells him she’ll race him to the park. 

His mother trails behind them, calling after them to slow down and to stop at the corner.

… … ...

“Maybe he’s a _vampire_ ,” she says dramatically, and Blair sucks her teeth and Chuck rolls his eyes and Nate laughs so hard he falls back on the grass. “He’s so _weird_.” 

“He’s not weird, he’s Romanian,” Blair argues, and Serena looks at her like - what does where he’s from have to do with anything? 

“He drinks this weird tea, and he cuts his beard and leaves the hairs in the sink. It’s gross,” Serena practically pouts. Nate runs his fingertips over her kneecap to tickle her, so she squirms away. 

Blair’s fingers work a knot in Serena’s hair. Something a mother would do, if they cared enough to put in the effort. 

Serena’s mom is parading around the Hamptons with her latest boyfriend, the maybe vampire, or whatever, and she’s been in Europe all summer and she’s going back to the city tomorrow. The only time she’s spoken directly to Serena was to tell her to sit up straight at the breakfast table. 

“We should have a sleepover,” Nate suggests. “Eric can come, too.” 

“I can’t,” Blair says a little sadly, shaking her head. “Oh, my god, S. What were you even doing?” 

Her fingers tug harder and she ignores Serena’s pained sounds. 

“Me neither,” Chuck tells them. “We’re going to New York tonight. Dad’s got a meeting.” 

Serena sighs and nods her head, tells Nate she’ll get Eric and they’ll come over.

Anne greets them at the door, and Howard takes their bags, and Nate’s bouncing on the balls of his feet saying they have stuff to make s’mores. He and Eric run ahead and Anne gently combs her fingers through Serena’s hair as they walk to the back yard.

“You’re always welcome,” Anne says, and it sounds too serious, and Serena stops walking and looks up at her. “Even without an invitation. Even if Nathaniel isn’t with you.” 

Serena’s throat feels tight and she might _cry_ and she thinks about how _lucky_ Nate is, but then she thinks maybe she’s lucky, too. 

She steps forward and wraps her arms around Anne’s waist, and the woman laughs quietly, sets her hands on Serena’s back, and smiles warmly when Serena pulls away. 

… … …

They’re all too young to really comprehend what’s going on, but the city is cloudy and people are crying everywhere and the school is on lockdown and no one can leave without a parent to sign them out. Serena’s crying, too, because her mom’s in Italy with Claus and her dad is _wherever_ and there’s _no one_. 

She’s sitting on the floor in the hallway with her knees pulled up to her chest when Blair finds her, sits down, and says, “We’ll just wait. You’ll come with me. I’m not leaving you.” 

And that’d be fine, except the administrators can’t get ahold of Serena’s mom for permission, and Eleanor isn’t here yet, and there’s nothing Serena can even do to convince anyone that it’s _fine_ and she can go and she doesn’t even know where her mom actually is or how to get ahold of her. 

Then there’s Anne, walking through the doors from St. Judes to Constance, holding Nate’s hand in one of hers, and Eric’s in the other. Both boys rush over when they see Serena, sit down with her and Blair, and Serena watches Anne speak in hushed tones with the administrator. The only words Serena actually hears are, “I can deal with Lily,” and then she’s walking back over to them. She takes Nate’s hand again, and then Eric’s, and Serena reaches for her brother with one hand and her backpack with her other. 

They stand and wait for Eleanor, who arrives with tears on her cheeks and kisses Blair’s face all over. She whispers something to Anne about another plane, asks if she’s heard from anyone and Anne just shakes her head and presses her lips together hard. 

Serena tries not to look towards downtown as they make their way to Nate’s house. 

The Captain is in his study with the television on when they get there. Serena’s never seen him and Anne do anything more than kiss on the cheek, but she watches them embrace one another hard, Anne’s hand still holding tight to Nate’s. She kisses her husband, then, and then he kneels down and wraps his arms around Nate and Serena squeezes Eric’s hand and watches Anne quickly wipe a tear off her face. 

Serena hears on the television that the second tower has fallen. She doesn’t know what to _do_. 

“Turn that off,” Anne says quietly, and the Captain just goes to pull the door closed instead, but then she repeats, as loudly and meanly as Serena’s ever heard her say anything, “Turn it off!” 

She tells all three kids to run upstairs to hers and Howard’s bedroom and get comfy, that they’re going to have a movie marathon. Nate reaches for her hand, pulls her into his bedroom while Eric goes straight into the master. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, and she shakes her head, tells him she’s scared. He whispers, “me too. I love you.” 

She says, “I love you, too, Natie,” and kisses the corner of his mouth and then they hear footsteps coming up the stairs. 

She sits between Eric and Nate on the Archibald’s king sized bed, with Anne and the Captain on the sides, like they’re protecting the kids, or something. 

Nate falls asleep halfway through the second movie they put on. Serena’s staring at him. She realizes Anne is, too. The woman has tears in her eyes. Serena’s never seen an adult cry, really. Except her own mother, who just cries when she’s getting divorced, or whatever. She never really thought about other reasons someone might do it. She wishes she hadn’t had to find out this way. 

They all sleep that night in the same bed, and when they wake up in the morning and go downstairs for breakfast Anne tells them she’ll try her best to explain to them what’s going on. Serena thinks she’s still hiding some of the details, but she isn’t about to ask. It’s too much already.

Her mother calls, finally, and sounds frantic on the phone, saying she hasn’t been able to get through, and there are no flights, and everything’s a mess. She says, “I’m sorry,” and Serena doesn’t know what _for_ , really, but she says, “It’s okay,” and watches Nate and Eric build a Lego castle on the coffee table. 

Anne talks to Serena’s mom for a few minutes, names a few names and Serena knows what that means. People they know - that she might know - probably _died_ , and Serena just lies down on the sofa near the boys and puts her hands under her cheek. 

Anne comes over, sits down, and says, “Oh, sweetheart,” when Serena moves so her head is resting against Anne’s thigh. 

She doesn’t know what that means, but she likes the way it feels to have someone _here_. 

… … …

For her 12th birthday, her grandmother has a petting zoo set up on the back yard of the Hamptons house, sets an outfit on Serena’s bed and tells her to ‘do something appropriate with her hair.’ 

Eric brings her a cupcake with blue frosting for breakfast and CeCe scolds them both for their blue tongues and lips, has the nanny work with them to remove the stains from their skin. 

She steps downstairs in this pink dress and all her very best friends are on the lawn. There’s a pony and a llama and a whole pen of bunnies, and Nate presses his lips to her cheek and tells her happy birthday, even though he called her first thing to sing it to her over the phone, too. She puts her fingers between his and he says something about that huge table full of presents, and she asks him to help her open them all later. He says, “Duh,” because that’s what he, Blair and Chuck do every year. They’re sleeping over this year, and all their bags are inside - she saw them on the way out. 

Blair pulls him away after a few minutes, and Serena feels jealous and wipes her palm on her dress and ignores the way her grandmother wordlessly chastises her for doing it from 20 feet away. 

After everyone has left and all the gifts have been brought inside to the casual living room, her mom and her new guy are drinking champagne and watching her with her friends. Her mom pours them each the smallest amount of champagne and laughs to herself when they make silly toasts to Serena. 

She’s almost through all her presents when Nate hands her a small box and says, “Here. It’s from my mom.” 

Serena feels the smile spread across her face and refuses to look at Blair because she knows all she’ll see is envy. 

Serena tears back the wrapping paper and opens the box. Inside, there’s a beautiful sparkling gold barrette with a sapphire in the middle. She takes it out of the box and it looks so pretty in her hand she almost feels tears in her eyes. 

“Darling, that’s gorgeous,” her mom says, leaning forward for a better look. 

Blair doesn’t say anything. Nate just grins. Chuck’s already reaching for the next gift for her to open.

She spends all the next afternoon writing thank you cards at the dining room table because her grandmother insisted upon it. She didn’t even realize anyone was keeping track of who gave her what presents. She’s thankful for all of them, really. 

She hand delivers the card to Anne, because she and Nate are going to walk on the beach anyway. It’s Anne who answers the door, and Serena just holds out the card in its cream envelope. Anne smiles at her, pulls her inside and calls upstairs to Nate before opening the card. 

Serena tried her hardest to make the letters all neat and write everything perfectly. She said the barrette is beautiful and it’s her favourite thing she got for her birthday. 

Anne reaches out to hug her, and Serena presses her hands against the woman’s back, and she thinks this might be the first time they’ve had a hug like that, where Anne didn’t kneel and Serena didn’t feel so small. 

“It used to be mine,” Anne tells her as they wait for Nate, and Serena’s eyes fly up to meet hers. “I bought it for myself when I was a little older than you.” 

Serena asks, “Why did you give it to me?” and she hopes it doesn’t sound rude. She doesn’t mean to be. She just doesn’t understand. 

“I don’t wear it any more. You’ve got such pretty hair.” Serena blinks a few times, and Anne plays with a piece of blonde hair that’s dangling down at Serena’s temple. “I wanted you to have it.” 

Nate comes down the stairs with his swim shorts on and Anne tells them to be back before dark, and to be careful.

“Your mom’s the best,” Serena tells him randomly when their feet hit the sand. Nate looks at her like she’s crazy. “She is. You’re lucky.” 

“You’re lucky, too. You’re like the daughter she never had.” 

She thinks he’s meant to be teasing, but she feels a little emotional about that, too, because there’s probably some truth to the statement. She passed something of hers on to Serena. 

Nate says he wants to swim, pulls off his tee shirt and runs towards the water. She meets him out there after dropping her shorts and shirt in a pile with his, and he sets his hands on her hips under the water. She smiles and drapes her arms over his shoulders, pulls him closer, and thinks _someday_.

… … …

Their second week back at school, Nate’s dad is hosting business associates, or something like that, and Nate got to leave before fourth period was over. A driver came to get him and take him home so he could do his homework before everyone else arrived. Serena and Blair sat on the steps of the Met with Erik and drank lattes and watched people and Blair said something silly about being invited to events at Nate’s house someday. 

Nate calls Serena once she’s home, tells her no one’s even there yet and he’s just standing around in this stupid suit when he could be doing something else. He asks her what she did after school and she tells him, leaves out the part about Blair making up stories about some imaginary future. 

“Just a sec,” he tells her, and then she hears him talking to someone, and then Anne’s voice, and he asks what time people are showing up. 

Serena just hears Anne say, “Say goodbye to Serena, Nathaniel.” 

Serena laughs a little and says, “Uh oh. Full name.” 

“She’s annoying,” he mutters, and she knows he doesn’t mean it. “I’ll text you later.” 

“I might be sleeping,” she tells him, even though she’s sort of itching to go out.

“Wait for me.” 

His voice sounds so nice in her ear, and she presses her head back against her pillows and breathes out, “Okay.” 

… … ...

It’s almost embarrassing, now that she’s older and knows the way people talk about every single thing, to show up on the Archibald’s steps with her brother and their things to stay overnight because there’s no one at their house and she feels _too young_ to take care of Eric when she’s honestly sometimes still afraid of being there when it’s too quiet.

Nate is into video games and scary movies and sneaking cigarettes he shouldn’t be smoking. She thinks that last one’s gross, but she gets it, too. Their lives are perfect, planned out, and boring, and he’s told her he just sometimes feels like he needs _more_ , and she loves him a little, for a lot of things, and mostly for understanding exactly how she feels, too. 

She’s been reading The Great Gatsby because she hasn’t before and she feels like she needs to be well-read because people - adults - keep talking to her like she’s a pretty, dumb, rich girl. Eric’s doing his homework and Nate’s playing a loud shooting game and pausing every now and again to text with someone, or multiple people. The Captain said something earlier about making a day of it, ordering pizza and watching some old movies. 

Serena gets up to go to the bathroom, and she nearly panics, because _this_ wasn’t supposed to happen _now_ , not here, not with Nate in the next room and her own mother in New Zealand, and…

She wipes the stupid tears from her eyes and carefully steps downstairs to the living room, where Anne is talking on the phone with someone, but says, “I’ll call you later, Diane,” when she sees the look on Serena’s face. 

She knows this is supposed to make her feel older, but she’s never felt more like a child, the way she’s got her shoulders curled in a bit, her arms wrapped around herself. 

She wants to stop Anne from asking what’s wrong, because it shouldn’t be wrong, and it’s _not_ wrong or gross or anything else, but it’s just…

“I started my period,” she says quietly, hoping to goodness no one else in the house will hear (she logically knows they won’t). 

Anne looks relieved, places her hand on her heart and says, “Oh, sweetheart,” and Serena thinks no one else has ever actually called her that the way Anne does. She stands, makes her way over and reaches for Serena’s hand. “Come with me. It’s okay.” 

Anne shows Serena what to do, talks to her through the bathroom door in a reassuring tone that Serena can’t place until she remembers it’s the same one she used to have for Nate when they were little and he needed comforting, and the tears are back in Serena’s eyes, then, and when she steps out of the bathroom, she just says, “I wish my mom was here,” and maybe she means it in a bunch of ways. 

“I know,” Anne tells her, nodding, forcing a smile. “I think we should leave all these boys and go to lunch.”

Serena wants to smile, too, feels a little grown up because the invitation sounds sincere, and nice, and like it’ll be just the two of them. “But the Captain said…” 

Anne waves her hand in the air, steps into her closet. “Let them have their pizza. What do you feel like? French? Italian?” 

So Serena sits across from Anne Archibald at this beautiful little spot on Madison, and they sip sparkling water and eat amazing French food, and when the waiter asks what they’re up to today, Anne just responds, “Oh, just two women enjoying a nice lunch,” and shoots Serena a little wink. It’s the first time anyone’s used that word to describe her. 

She’s a little scared of it. 

… … …

The night of Blair and Nate’s first date, there’s this thing her mom takes her to as her plus one. It’s a ribbon cutting ceremony for some place or another, and Serena’s heart feels a little too broken to smile and laugh at stupid jokes old men are making around her. But she’s getting good at pretending everything is fine and hiding how she feels and when something’s wrong. She stands with her mother in their coordinated ‘but not matchy’ dresses, and plays with the bracelet on her wrist and takes small sips from the glass of champagne she’s allowed to have. “Only one,” her mother had said, because she’s absolutely clueless to the fact that Serena’s had access to alcohol for at least a couple years and knows how it feels to be drunk. 

But her mom’s been back for months now and said she wants to be more present in hers and Eric’s lives, and it seems like she’s really trying. She messes up all the time, still, or maybe just doesn’t know the right things to do yet, but she’s here, and she’s single, and it’s nice to not have to spend nights at her friends’ houses because there’s no one at her own.

Bart Bass is talking to her mother, and Chuck is by the bar flirting with women who are too old for him, and then Anne is walking over in her deep purple cocktail dress, and Serena presses her lips hard together because now all she can think of is _Nate_ again. 

Anne kisses her on the cheek, then does the same to her mom, and then says, “You look beautiful, but you must be so bored!” Serena smiles a little and shrugs her shoulder. “You usually have a partner in crime or two at these functions.” 

Serena meets Anne’s eyes, and she doesn’t even know what she’s trying to convey, but Anne’s smile turns sad and she just blinks a few times, and then Serena’s mom is saying something about the new building going up on Lexington, and does Anne know of anyone who’s bought in to it? Serena feels something like disappointment that Anne knows she’ll be bothered but her own mother doesn’t even pick up on it. And she’s trying, yes, but it’ll take time, and then Serena feels guilty for not just trusting it right away. Trusting her mom. 

Serena excuses herself, heads right over to Chuck, and says, “Can we please leave?” 

“Together?” he asks, brow raised. 

“Not like that,” she mumbles. “I’m...Let’s do something bad.” 

Chuck straightens up his posture, puts his hand in his pocket and they start walking towards the door. “What do you have in mind?”

… … …

She’s in the city for her birthday, and Nate and Blair are both in the Hamptons with their families, and Chuck took her out last night and she feels miserable today. She woke up in his bed at the Palace, and it’s definitely not even the first time that’s happened. Chuck’s next to her, groans and turns over and then his eyes open and he says, “Happy birthday, S,” and she smiles, a little, because honestly, he’s becoming one of her people in a way that he’s never really been. It was always the four of them, sure, but it was Serena and Blair and Serena and Nate and Nate and Chuck. She likes this new thing and how it feels to have someone who’s both known her forever, but also doesn’t judge her for wanting something different from everything else. 

By the time she makes it home, her mom and brother are eating lunch and there’s a stack of presents for her on the living room table. 

No one mentions that she was out all night or asks what she’s doing. Her mom just hugs her tightly, kisses her cheek, then tugs her fingers through Serena’s hair and says, “Go take care of this, and then we’ll do gifts.” 

There’s something so backhanded about it that it makes Serena mad, but she doesn’t want to start a fight, not on her birthday. She does as she’s asked, has a shower and pulls on some clean shorts before going back downstairs. 

“All the cards first, then the good stuff,” Eric says, as though he’s been thinking of it all day. It makes Serena laugh a bit and throw her arm around him.

He hands her a stack of cards, and there are ones there from ‘friends of the family’ who Serena honestly couldn’t pick out of a lineup, but most of them have money in them and she thinks it’s a little stupid that these rich people are just passing money around amongst themselves for no reason other than to show off. 

She opens a gold envelope that’s embossed with flowers, and there’s a card from the Archibalds and a cheque for several hundred dollars. It’s way too much, really, and the card is beautiful, and in Anne’s pretty cursive, there’s a note telling her to have a beautiful day, and then it says, _Love, Howard and Anne_.

Nate doesn’t call her until after dinner and she tries not to be hurt.

Too late for that, though.

… … …

They smoke a joint before they even _get_ to the Shepherd wedding, and Nate’s hands are all over her legs in the car. She doesn’t mind - it feels _good_ \- but they’re 10 minutes behind schedule and he has a girlfriend and Serena should be stopping him but she’s _not_. He’s Nate. He’s _her_ Nate. 

The car pulls up at the venue and they both lean over to look out the window. Nate’s lips are pressed against her bare shoulder, and she turns her head to see him. His eyes look so pretty like that, and she says, “Ready?” instead of doing something stupid like telling him she wants him. 

“Nate, fix your tie,” his mother reprimands once they’re inside, shoots a smile to Serena and reaches out to adjust the fabric herself. “You can’t stand next to such a beautiful woman looking this disheveled.” 

Serena hears the compliment there, says, “Thank you,” and Anne squeezes her arm and suggests they go find their seats. 

The ceremony is long and boring and Nate holds her hand the whole time. Serena sees his mother stealing glances at them, and at one point Serena leans over to tell him to be more careful. 

He whispers back, “Careful of what?” and she can’t decide if that means he doesn’t care who sees them, doesn’t care what people think, or doesn’t care about Blair. 

Serena pulls her hand away anyway. Wishes she didn’t have to. Wishes he was hers. 

They’re dancing together, later, and he says, “I just want to be with you, Serena,” and she feels like she could _cry_. 

He finds the champagne, but she’s pulling his hand and she finds the empty bar and she kisses him first and then they don’t stop and don’t stop and don’t stop until she _runs_.

… … …

She’s trying so hard. She really is. She wants to be different, to change, and to actually be a better person. And she’s not _stupid_ , and the thing is, she knows people were starting to think she was. She’s always liked reading and literature and at Knightly, she’s able to apply herself without her social status or her family’s history hanging over her head. No one cares if she’s popular, or what she wears. They care that she does her share of the work on group projects and contributes during class. 

She’s in her room with her books spread out on her desk when her mom calls. She doesn’t really _want_ to talk, but she isn’t going to say that, either. 

She knows leaving without telling anyone was crazy and maybe a little selfish, or something, and her mom doesn’t really approve or understand. 

No one can understand. No one can know about her and Nate. 

“I think Blair is really quite upset.” Serena closes her eyes. She can just _imagine_ Blair with a scowl on her face, demanding an answer while still attempting to be polite. “I ran into Anne the other day and she was saying Nate is…” 

“Look, I really have to go,” Serena interrupts. She _can’t_ hear about Nate right now.

Her mom sighs. “Serena, darling, Anne was just saying she misses you. I guess I didn’t ever really understand how close you two were.” 

Serena feels tears prick her eyes and she plays with the pen in her hand. She doesn’t have the energy to have a conversation with her mother about how Anne was always there when she wasn’t, and _of course_ they’re close. They were.

“I need to do this for me. Alone.” 

“So you’ve said,” her mom answers quietly. “Can I at least tell her you say hello?”

Serena chews on the inside of her cheek and doesn’t know why this is making her so sad. 

Or, really, she does know, she just doesn’t want to think about it. About him. 

“Just Anne,” she finally says seriously. “Not Nate. Not Blair.” 

“Okay, darling,” her mother says, almost whispering. 

They say their I love yous and hang up, and then Serena spends at least 20 minutes looking through photos on her phone, and the only picture she has tacked up on her bulletin board on her side of the room is of her, Eric and Nate from last summer, all lying in the sun in blue bathing suits with black Ray Bans over their eyes.

She doesn’t miss anyone as much as she misses the two of them. 

… … …

She doesn’t want to go to this ball. She thinks the entire thing is antiquated and silly and super sexist. But if there’s one thing she’s learned over the last year, it’s that the weight of familial expectations is always going to be on her shoulders. She spent the first few years of her teens pushing back on that - and pushing back on this idea of New York royalty and important families marrying their children off to one another, even if that was just because she wanted Nate and he was Blair’s. Part of maturing, she’s realizing, is understanding that she needs to pick her battles where her family and this society is concerned.

Carter showing up sparks something in her chest - excitement, she thinks. Maybe it shouldn’t be there. It probably shouldn’t. But he’s handsome and they have these secrets together that she _likes_ are just theirs, and he was her very first, and she just...She acts like she hates that he’s her date because she knows what it will look like to everyone if she doesn’t. What it’ll look like to Dan. What it’ll look like to Nate. 

They’re introducing her and her card is read and she feels her shoulders shake with laughter, and _this_ is what she’s been missing, too. 

She catches Anne Archibald’s eyes as she’s walking away, arm looped together with Carter’s. 

Serena’s chest feels hollow when she recognizes the look on Anne’s face. 

It’s the first time she’s looked _disappointed_ in Serena. 

… … …

Fake dating Nate is the most fun she’s ever had with him. 

It’s so, so close to what she’s always wanted, and parading around the Hamptons with him only felt silly for a week or so, and then it just became the most natural thing in the world. She hates that he has some secret, some girl, and she hates that she’s a little heartbroken, but then there’s him in his board shorts playing idly with the strings of her bikini at her hip as they watch the sun go down, and maybe the thing is it’s always going to be the two of them. 

His hand is in the back pocket of her shorts when they’re walking through town and he’s on the phone with his mother, who’s spending time at their family’s house in France. Serena’s got an ice cream cone in one hand and her sunhat in the other. She’s determined to try all the flavours at the ice cream shop by the end of summer, so every other day, Nate picks her up and buys her a cone and then steals a bit as they walk or sit or do whatever they want. 

“Yeah, I’m with Serena,” he says, and she smiles and goes to put her hat on his head, but he leans away laughing. “She’s right here.” Anne says something and then Nate answers, “I _am_ happy.” 

He winks at Serena and she licks her ice cream and blinks at him slowly. 

“She says hi,” he tells her when he hangs up and slips his phone back into his pocket. 

“I say hi back,” Serena says, and watches him smile. “Want some?” 

Nate stops there on the sidewalk, puts his hands on her hips and says, lowly, “You know I do, baby.” 

He leans in to lick her ice cream and she knows someone’s taking photos of them that will inevitably end up on Gossip Girl. Serena laughs and reaches out, swipes at the corner of his lip with the pad of his thumb. 

“You’re _messy_ ,” she tells him, and then his eyes meet hers and she knows they both remember that, and she just clears her throat, puts her hat on her head again and puts her arm around his waist. “Let’s go nap.” 

“Together?” he asks in her ear as they start walking again, his arm draped around her shoulders. 

“Who else am I supposed to sleep with?” she asks, and he sputters out her name and she just laughs and laughs.

… … …

“Serena.”

She turns around there on the street and sees Anne standing there in a trench coat, her hair pinned up. Serena’s in her school uniform and feels young and foolish and a little immature, but then again maybe that’s just the result of having so much history with the woman standing in front of her. 

“Mrs. Archibald. Hi.”

Anne smiles politely and Serena sees her shake her head just slightly. “It’s Anne.” 

Serena feels really stupid for using Anne’s married name, given the circumstances. She bumbles through an apology and Anne just smiles, and god, Serena can’t even imagine what she must be going through. Of all the families Serena thought would be caught up in a scandal, she never pictured this one. She never, ever would have thought Howard would be caught up in drugs and scandal and… She still can’t picture it.

“Is…” She stops herself, because she doesn’t even know what to ask. What to say. How to not do what everyone else has been doing and be _fake_. “Can I do anything?” 

Anne smiles a bit. Serena sees two men coming out of the building carrying luggage and her heart constricts in her chest. 

“Yes, actually. You’ll check in on him?” 

It’s not actually a request, or an ask at all. It sounds like a command, and Serena barely thinks that’s appropriate at this point. So much has happened - too much - and it’s all a mess of boys and scandal and lying about feelings and then just not talking at all. 

“Anne, I…” 

“ _Please_ , Serena.” 

She thinks about it for a second. About showing up at the Archibald’s house with tears on her face and a teddy bear under her arm. About falling for Nate when he laughed and watched her climb into the fountain in the backyard, how his arms wrapped around her and she let herself fall against him, knowing he’d catch her. About the clip she’s still only worn in her hair just one time that’s sitting in a small box at home, tucked away in her dresser drawer. 

She thinks she might have tears in her eyes when she reaches for Anne’s hand and says, “Of course.” 

Anne embraces her, and Serena doesn’t feel so young anymore, and then she watches the car drive away and her fingers are itching to dial his number and tell him it’s her turn to be there for him. 

… … …

“Brown, huh?” 

Serena smiles at the sound of his voice, looks up to see him standing in the doorway to her bedroom as if he needs permission to enter. 

“Columbia, huh?” 

That gorgeous grin breaks on his lips and he looks downward, steps closer and takes his hand out of his pocket before he sits down on the bed with her. 

“All I can hope is that it’s less crazy than high school,” he says, and Serena laughs and nods her head. She’s been feeling antsy since graduation, and she’s honestly been terrified that she thrives on the drama, or something. “What’re you up to?”

She gives him a look like he’s being silly. “Reading Vogue in my pajamas. What’re _you_ doing, Natie?” 

He smiles at her use of the nickname she gave him before she can even remember. “Let’s go get ice cream.” 

She sets down her magazine and sets her feet on the floor. “Is that like, becoming our _thing_.” 

Nate leans back against her pillows, his hand behind his head. “We have a lot of things.” 

Serena rolls her eyes and turns her back to him, sees a cute dress she wore a few days ago sitting on the chair in the corner of her room. She lifts her shirt up over her head and hears him let out a sound. “Jesus, Serena. You’re…”

“What?” she asks him, looking over her shoulder. “Don’t get shy on me now.”

She pulls the dress over her head, then pushes her shorts down off her legs and kicks them towards the closet. 

“I’m not _shy_ ,” he mutters. “I wasn’t expecting a _Brown girl_ to give me a striptease.”

She scowls playfully, reaches for a $20 off her dresser . “Lucky you, then.” 

Nate follows her out of the room like she knew he would.

“You know,” he tells her as they stroll down 5th and he holds this cone of salted caramel in his hand. “My mom went to Brown.” 

Serena smiles and looks at the ground. “I know,” she says, almost whispering.

Nate nudges her with his elbow, asks her what her plans are for the summer. 

A few days later she’s on a plane with Carter and she doesn’t think of Nate until they’re halfway across the Pacific. She wants to think Nate would understand why she’s breaking their tentative plans to hang out in the Hamptons again. Maybe he’d understand more than anyone. But then, she thinks, she’s run before, left him before, and she’s probably out of chances for it to be okay for her to bail.

… … …

Anne hasn’t spoken to her since the accident, and there’s something about that that makes Serena feel even more ashamed. The thing that hurts most about it, though, is that now that she and Nate are actually together, actually a couple, she wants nothing more than to feel like a part of his family again, and for him to feel like part of hers. She’s sort of halfway joking when she asks him if he really wants to be on the inside with the van der Woodsen/Humphrey/Bass bunch. 

He says, “I wanna be wherever you are,” and then starts unbuttoning her shirt, so. 

Anne shows up at his suite one day when Serena’s feeling under the weather and Nate’s studying. He’s on the floor with his books spread out on the table, and Serena is drinking tea and reading a book about Tudor history. There’s a box of tissues nearby and she’s in a St. Jude’s Lax crewneck with a blanket draped over her knees. 

Nate mutters, “Shit,” and then a little louder, “I’m sorry, mom. I forgot.” 

“Mhm,” she says, stepping closer, her vintage handbag hooked over her arm. Serena remembers it from years ago, Howard buying it at a shop on 5th and they said it was from the 50s. “I even chose a place closeby so you wouldn’t have to travel.” 

He gets up, kisses her on the cheek. “I’m really sorry.” He turns to Serena and explains, “We were supposed to go for lunch.” 

Serena smiles, sits up and smiles at Anne. “We can order in,” she suggests, and Anne seems to think about it for a moment before agreeing. “I’m sorry I’m gross. I’ve got this cold.” 

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart.” Serena pulls the blanket aside to make space, then pats the sofa and Anne sits down next to her. She feels, now, like maybe she was overthinking things and Anne wasn’t actually avoiding her. “We’ll just say Nate’s excuse was that he was here taking care of you.” 

“Easy with the guilt,” he laughs, stepping back into the living room with takeout menus from some of his and Serena’s favourite places. “Thai? Japanese?” 

Anne clears her throat a little. Serena tries to picture the woman slurping ramen, or something. "How about pizza?” she suggests, and then she unclasps her hands and leans back and Serena can remember, when they were kids and at the Archibald house, how comfortable Anne would look there. She looks that comfortable now. Serena wonders if it’s _Nate_ who makes her feel that way. She understands that feeling, too.

Nate’s telling them both all about this paper he’s doing research for, even though Serena’s heard about this all week. She doesn’t mind. She likes how seriously he’s taking school. She gets up to get plates and to pay for the pizza when it arrives, and puts her hand right in the middle of his chest when he runs over, protesting, and tells him she’s got it. Anne laughs at them and shakes her head as she sips her sparkling water. 

“You two have settled into the domesticity quite quickly,” she comments, and Nate leans back against Serena’s legs where he’s sitting on the floor, tips his head back. “Though I can’t say I’m surprised.” Serena just looks at her. “You’re best friends.” 

Serena wiggles her toes against Nate’s hip. They were just talking about this a few days ago, about how easy it seems and how nice it is to know each other so well already.

Later, when they’re lying in bed in the dark and she’s against his chest and he’s got his fingers in her hair, she asks the question that’s been on her mind all day: 

“Do you think your mom’s lonely?” 

Nate lets out a hum and nods a bit, his chin bumping her head. “Yeah.” 

“Maybe I’ll ask her to go shopping, when I’m feeling better.” She looks up at him and his eyes are all soft, and he nods again, leans in to kiss her. She knows he’s going to catch whatever she’s got, but he won’t heed warnings and keeps doing this anyway.

“She’d love that,” he tells her, and she settles back against him. “She loves you.” Serena smiles and closes her eyes for a moment. “I love you,” he whispers. 

“Are you sure?” she asks, and he lets out a sound like she’s being silly. Which she is. “You’ve only told me about 40 times today.” 

Nate shrugs, tugs the blanket up a bit more, then sets his lips right against her and doesn’t move. “Are you counting?” 

Serena giggles, lets out a deep breath. “I love you, too.” 

… … …

She can handle terrible things said about her. Well, she can handle it _better_. She can’t handle terrible things said about her mother. And sure, maybe when she was younger, she was the one saying - or at the very least _thinking_ \- the terrible things. Now, though, she sees that for the last few years, all her mom has tried to do is protect her and Eric and give them every chance they can grab onto. 

She shows up at Anne Archibald’s house - and it is just hers, now that Howard is...away, and Nate has moved out. Serena’s thought a lot about how empty a house this large must feel when you’re the only one living in it. 

The housekeeper answers the door, Anne following right behind. 

“Serena,” she says, surprised. 

Serena feels a bit like a child again, only this time she’s not here seeking refuge or comfort. “Can we talk?” she asks, and Anne gives the housekeeper a look and she walks away. Anne stands there, the threshold between them, and Serena just waits. “I’d like to talk.” 

Anne nods, steps aside for Serena to step into the house. She hasn’t been here since last year, since she was with Nate. She thinks the last visit was a dinner, or something. His grandfather had been there, too. 

“Coffee?”

“No thanks,” Serena answers automatically, following Anne into the formal sitting room. “Actually, yes. Please. Thank you.” 

The housekeeper leaves for the kitchen and Anne gestures for Serena to sit on the sofa. “What would you like to discuss, Serena?” 

Serena is quiet, a moment, and tries not to think anything rude, like how predictable it is that this woman in particular would act like nothing’s wrong, like there’s nothing for the two of them to talk about, even after last night. 

“My mom could really use her friends right now,” she finally says, and Anne just blinks a bit, sets her shoulders back. “And I know she could have been better to you when you needed her, too, but…” Anne starts shaking her head, looks to her lap. “She was protecting me. Or she thought she was.”

“Well then, perhaps you should consider doing fewer things that require you to need protecting.” 

It’s so mean and definitely unnecessary that Serena takes a deep breath and almost feels like she’s going to cry. Maybe she shouldn’t have come. 

“I thought you’d understand that,” she says quietly, feeling small. 

“Frankly, I’m surprised Lily does.” Serena’s gaze moves up quickly to meet Anne’s again. She doesn’t know what that means. Or, really, maybe she does, she’s just shocked at Anne’s candor. “To have…” 

She shakes her head, then, and stops talking, and that’s just not good enough. God, they’re all adults here, and there’s always going to be a strange power dynamic between parents and children, but Serena figures they’ve at least been through enough that they should be able to get everything out in the open and deal with it from there. 

“Please, Anne,” Serena says gently, almost begging. The housekeeper (she’s new, and Serena feels badly for not knowing her name) brings in coffee and Serena smiles as she takes the cup and saucer. 

Anne waits until the housekeeper has left again before letting out a breath, setting her own cup and saucer on the table between them, and sitting up straight again. 

“After everything we - I - did for you and Eric over the years…” Serena presses her lips together. “To have her turn her back on me the way she did was…” Anne purses her lips as well, composes herself. “It was a slap in the face.” 

Serena doesn’t know what to say. She obviously hadn’t thought of that at all, and frankly, had been so caught up in her own high school drama that she didn’t even notice that her mom wasn’t exactly helping Anne or interacting with her in anyway. Serena doesn’t know if it was spiteful or even deliberate, but, well, knowing her mother and this entire world, it wasn’t exactly an accident that they took a step back and didn’t reach out to offer a shoulder to cry on. 

“And I’d never expect a thank you,” Anne continues. “I wasn’t going to leave you children on your _own_. I think I’ve just been…” Serena takes a sip of her coffee to busy herself. It’s too hot but she doesn’t flinch as Anne searches for her words. “Disappointed.”

“I’m sorry,” Serena whispers, and Anne just shakes her head. “I...I guess I always just assumed that she would have said something to you and the Captain for…” She doesn’t know what she should said. Raising them? Housing them? Parenting them? “For me and Eric.” 

Anne puts on a small smile and just shakes her head, just barely. “Not a word.” Serena’s throat is tight. “Was it petty of me to do what I did? Certainly.” They share a little laugh, then. “Part of me has never understood how a mother could leave her children that way, and I feel like you’re old enough for me to finally say that to you.” 

Serena nods, looks down at her coffee cup. “Honestly, I’ve always wondered about it, too.” 

Anne sucks in a breath, reaches for her cup again. “And if you must know,” she says, and Serena looks up again. “For a while there, I thought we were all going to be family someday. I set aside my grudge as best I could.” Unexpectedly, tears prick Serena’s eyes at that, and she tries to blink them away. One spills down her cheek and she turns, wipes it away. “What happened between you and Nate?”

“Nothing,” Serena laughs. “Everything. I…” She could tell Anne everything, about Dan and Carter and her father and how _scared_ she was of losing Nate for good, so she bowed out before any big thing could break them forever. “I messed it up. Maybe we both did.” 

“I still have a little hope for you two yet,” Anne confides like a secret, and Serena laughs again, despite herself, and wonders _how_.

She stays for a bit, and they talk mostly about Nate and she wants to confide that she _misses him_ so much sometimes that it scares the hell out of her. 

She’s finishing her second cup of coffee when Anne says, “Nate will always care for you.” 

And she _knows_. And she thinks _me too_.

… … …

“You look really beautiful,” he tells her, hand along the small of her back, at this wedding she honestly knows shouldn’t even be happening. 

“Thanks, boss,” she returns, smiling, and Nate just rolls his eyes. “Can you believe she’s getting married?” 

“Honestly?” he asks, and Serena looks over at him. “Absolutely.” She smiles and presses her hand against his chest. He takes it in his, draws his thumb over her knuckles. “Remember when she thought it’d be me?” 

Serena lets out a breath. “Yeah. I was so…” 

Her eyes move up to meet his, and his face is so gentle when he supplies, “Jealous?” Serena just nods, and wonders how they’re having this moment in this stupid hallway in this church, and what’s he even doing here so early? “You know, we’ve got this bad habit of wanting each other at the same time and keeping that a secret, for some reason.” 

Her breath catches and she flexes her fingers against his hand. Not to pull it away, but just to indicate that she’s heard him, that she’s here in front of him at the _worst possible time_ and she’s not moving. 

“Nate,” she says, and his eyes search her face again. “What are you saying?” 

“I don’t even know,” he chuckles, and she laughs, too, and the craziest thing about them, maybe, is that they can have these serious moments that still feel so light, somehow. 

“Are you saying you…” 

She doesn’t finish. Nate puts his other hand on her hip. 

“Come on, S.” He looks at her lips. She sucks in a breath. “I always want you.” 

His mom rounds the corner alone, dressed in a beautiful gown, and then catches Serena’s eye and turns back around and leaves again. 

It’s just enough to ruin the moment, and Serena takes a step back. Nate sighs and looks down at the ground, puts his hand in his pocket. 

“You’re my boss,” she reminds him, as if that would make a difference when it comes to them. 

“It’d be kinda hot, though, wouldn’t it?” he asks quietly, and he sounds so _sexy_

She shakes her head quickly, sets her hand on his chest again and then smooths it up onto his shoulder. 

“Nate, we...” 

The wedding coordinator comes to get her, then, and when she looks over her shoulder at him, he’s still watching her leave. 

A few days later, when they’re still all reeling from all that’s happened in the aftermath of the wedding day, he tells her, “My mom saw us, you know.” 

She just nods. “I know.”

He looks confused, but then someone else comes into his office with a question and Serena leaves with a smile on her face. 

He’s watching her again. 

He does that a lot.

… … …

This really shouldn’t bother her as much as it is. God, she’s so stupid and she wanted to hang onto Dan so hard because he was the one guy who was always just _hers_ , and saying that he was the love of her life felt like a lie as soon as she’d said it, but this...For all Blair’s insistence that Serena’s always been selfish, Serena really thinks it’s ironic that Blair’s both married to a _prince_ , doing whatever the hell this is with Dan, and has Chuck’s entire heart. 

She could leave her bedroom, but she feels stupid, like a teenager, and she just wants a day or two to wallow in this feeling of heartbreak or jealousy or _hurt_. The thing she’s feeling most of all, really, is disappointment that neither of them had the courage to say anything sooner, but she can’t tell either of them that, of course, because all that would come up from Blair would be, _you did the same thing to me_ , and Serena _knows_ Dan, knows how unapologetically he loves people, and she just doesn’t want to deal with that, or with the guilt he’d place on her by saying something like, _don’t you want me to be happy?_

There’s a knock at her door after dinner, about 15 minutes after Darota’s asked her if she wants something to eat. Darota’s voice calls through the door, saying her name, and then, “Mr. Nate here to see you.” 

Serena doesn’t say anything but, “Okay,” and then the door is opening and Nate is there, tiny smile on his lips and a cup of bright pink ice cream in his hand. 

“Hey,” he says, and sits down on the bed next to her. She’s mostly lying down amongst all these pillows, pajamas on under this silk robe. She’s been watching documentaries on Netflix all day. “This is for you.” 

She doesn’t want to smile, honestly. “I don’t need cheering up,” she tells him, but takes the ice cream anyway, spoons a bit into her mouth. It’s raspberry. She’d settled on that as her favourite years ago in the Hamptons with him. He winks when she looks at him. How does he remember these things? “Thank you.” 

“Of course,” he says gently, and then it’s right there, hanging between them. He’s said things and they’ve had this dumb flirtation, but she’s been preoccupied with other things, and he’s - she _knows_ been trying not to push her - and they only see each other at work and she’s trying so, so hard to be taken seriously. She loves that he understands that and isn’t doing anything to make her look unprofessional.

“This is really good.” 

“I know.” She raises her brow. “I had to do a quality check before I brought it all the way over here.” Serena smiles at him and he looks at her like that’s exactly what he was going for. “Wanna tell me how you’re feeling?” 

“No,” she answers, too quickly, mumbling the word around a mouthful of ice cream. “Childish.” 

“You know...I mean, they’re not doing this _to you_ , you know?” he tells her, and she figures he’s right, but she doesn’t really like that he’s making her sound selfish. “And honestly…” 

He doesn’t finish. She asks, “What?” 

“It’s not like when you kissed Dan.” She freezes, looks at him. “You two did that to me. This isn’t that.” 

“Nate.” 

“No, it’s...I mean, it’s not fine, but it’s fine.” She smiles, a little sadly, tilts her head. They haven’t talked about this in a year, or whatever. She wonders why they ignore the big things. “They care about each other.” 

“That doesn’t make it better.” She doesn’t mean to snap at him. “I just don’t want to share _everything_ with her.” 

Nate nods like he understands, then he’s quiet for a moment before setting his hand on her thigh. “I’m yours,” he tells her, she instantly feels like she’s going to _cry_. “I gotta go.” 

“Nate,” she says, pleadingly. 

“Dinner with my mom,” he explains, smiling, like he wants to tell her he’s not leaving because he keeps putting himself out there and she keeps stalling on him. “Wanna come? I mean, now that you’ve spoiled your appetite.” 

“ _You_ spoiled my appetite,” she tells him, then sticks her tongue out before spooning more ice cream into her mouth. He laughs hard, stands, and reaches for her hand. “I’m not dressed.” 

He rolls his eyes. “Too bad you don’t have an entire closet filled with more clothes than you’ll ever need.” She narrows her eyes at him, but he tugs her hand. “Come on. Just dinner.” 

“Oh?” she asks as she stands in front of him, her ice cream in one hand and his hand in the other. “Just dinner?” 

She flirting, and he says her name lowly. 

She kisses him quickly then steps away, sets her ice cream down on the bedside table and asks him what she should wear. 

… … …

She and Blair sit in the living room, just the two of them, with a wildly expensive bottle of champagne when the annulment goes through and Blair’s family is off the hook for the many millions of dollars the Grimaldi’s attempted to swindle out of them. 

“To...to getting husband number one out of the way!” Serena giggles, and Blair rolls her eyes, smiling, and rises her glass. 

“To adept legal teams.” 

“To forever being referred to as _former Princess of Monaco_.” There’s a flash of something in Blair’s eyes, but it passes quickly and Serena continues, “And to _always_ being Queen of the Upper East Side.” 

“To not _needing_ a husband, or a Bass, or anyone else’s last name but my own.” 

“To _Blair_.” 

Blair preens jokingly - Serena thinks - and they finally clink their glasses and drink, and then there’s a charcuterie board being placed in front of them and Darota telling them to eat. She brings over chocolate macarons, as well, something she picked up earlier to add to the celebration. 

They’ve finished the bottle and opened another when Blair excuses herself to the washroom. When she returns, Serena’s on her phone, and Blair snatches it from her hand and flops back onto the sofa in a way Blair would _never_ do if she weren’t on her way her drunk. 

“Are you texting _Nate’s mother_?” Blair asks, even though yes, it’s clear that’s exactly what Serena was doing. 

“We’re close,” Serena argues, taking her phone back, hitting send on the message and then placing it screen down on the sofa beside her. 

“Mhm.” Blair takes a sip of her drink, crosses her legs and kinks her brow. 

It’s about 20 minutes later during a short silence that Blair’s face turns conspiratorial and she turns to Serena, eyes narrowed, and says, “Okay, but were you texting Anne to tell her you’re _in love_ with her _son_?” 

“I’m not in love with Nate!” 

Blair just tilts her head, sing songs, “He’s in love with you.” 

“And you’re in love with Dan,” Serena counters, which makes Blair bristle. Serena doesn’t even know _why_. No, Blair hasn’t admitted it, but that doesn’t matter, really, because Serena can tell. Maybe Blair’s working on getting over her denial of the fact, but it’s _true_. “So if you want to talk about love…”

“I’m not in love with Humphrey,” Blair argues, but it’s weak enough that they both know it’s a lie. “And anyway, we’re talking about you and your inability to just let yourself be happy with Nate without drama.”

“We didn’t have drama before.”

“Until you kissed _Dan_.” Blair sounds disgusted, but Serena thinks it’s just the thought, really, of anyone but Blair herself kissing him. “You’re honestly trying to tell me that being this ingrained in his family is just _friendly_? Please.” 

“Can we talk about you and Dan instead?”

“No,” Blair snaps, then starts laughing. She reaches for another macaron. “You should call him.” 

“Dan?” Serena asks, wide-eyed.

“ _No_. Nate.” 

“And say what?” she laughs, and Blair just shrugs a shoulder. 

“That you want to marry him and have his children.” 

“Shut _up_ ,” Serena squeals, and shoves at Blair’s arm. They both dissolve into a fit of giggles and Blair spills a few drops of champagne on Serena’s skirt, then they dab at it with napkins and they’re going back and forth when the elevator opens and the two very guys they’ve been talking about step into the apartment. “Nate!”

“Humphrey?” Blair asks in shock, and Dan gives her this little salute thing that Serena actually thinks is really adorable. They’re cute. “What are you doing here?” 

“We were gonna go to a movie, but then my mom sent me a text that said something weird about Serena sending like 15 champagne glass emojis and suggested we check on you.” 

Serena cuts Blair a look, because _when_ did Blair get a chance to do that? Serena didn’t send that message herself. And Blair just fakes innocence and sips her champagne, then they’re both laughing again. 

“Shit, is this what it used to be like?” Dan asks, and Serena sort of rolls her eyes, but then Nate’s coming over and sitting on the arm of the sofa - which Blair has hated since they were all children. 

Serena and Blair say, “ _No_ ,” in unison as Nate says, “Yes,” and then Dan’s chuckling and leans over to press a kiss to Blair’s forehead. 

Serena glances up at Nate as if to ask if he’s seeing what she’s seeing, and he just winks at her, which sparks something inside her - not even just purely sexual, she’s _endeared_ to him. 

Darota brings more glasses and the guys stay for one, but then Blair and Dan are wrapped up in a cute little argument on whether bagels or croissants are more appropriate for breakfast tomorrow morning. 

Nate leans down to speak into Serena’s ear, asks, “Wanna get out of here?” and she _does_ so she lets him lead her by the hand to the elevator, takes his hand with both of hers once they’re inside, and leans her head against him.

He takes a deep breath and asks, “Where to?” and she doesn’t even actually care, so she replies, “You pick,” and he just smiles at her and presses the button for the ground floor.

… … …

They’re 24 when they finally really get it together. Well, they’ve had it together for a bit, but they’ve both been scared and did a ‘casual’ thing for a while, which was really kind of stupid, because neither of them was sleeping with or seeing anyone else, but it made them feel better about getting back into a relationship with one another. 

They had their biggest fight, their biggest ‘almost-breaking-up-with-one-another’ thing when she told him she wanted him to move out of Chuck’s suite and he’d resisted, saying that was his home, or whatever, and she’d finally admitted that _she_ wanted to be the one to build a home with him and Chuck shouldn’t have that privilege. She wasn’t trying to push them apart, or anything, she just felt like they’re all old enough to live on their own, really. And, okay, there’s a part of her that’s just really scared that Chuck’s never going to _not_ do drugs and drink too much and womanize, and she trusts Nate, knows he doesn’t do the same, but it makes her uncomfortable at this point in her life.

She realized, and told Nate, that she really just wants what’s best for him. For them. For the two of them together.

So, yeah. They’re pretty solid. He bought a place on the Upper West Side, and she just moved in this past July when he’d given her puppy dog eyes and asked when, exactly, she was planning on building that home.

“You know,” she tells him as they walk, arms linked, across his grandfather’s estate on Christmas day. She hadn’t really wanted to come, but he couldn’t face his family alone, and then Anne called her and told her she’d ordered Serena’s favourite chocolate cake from the city to have for dessert on Christmas Eve, and she really couldn’t say no. 

“Hm?” 

“Your mom seems to think you’re going to love me forever,” she finishes, and Nate lets out a laugh. Serena’s smiling, only because last night, after maybe a few too many warm brandies, Anne had leaned over to Serena on the sofa where they were watching Nate and William play pool, and told her that very thing. 

Serena wasn’t surprised. 

“My mom’s a smart woman,” he says, presses his lips to Serena’s hair. She’d said she wanted to go all the way to the edge of the property so she could see the house from far away with all its decorations and twinkle lights. “She’s not wrong.” 

“You know what else?” 

He stops walking, puts his hands on her hips so they’re standing face to face. He looks handsome in his navy blue scarf with the house behind him. “What’s that?” 

She accidentally looks at his lips, gives him a little smile. “I think I’ll probably love you forever, too.” 

“Probably?” he scoffs, grinning at her. “What’ll tip you over the edge?”

Serena swallows hard, thinks _marry me_ , but says, “Kiss me,” instead, and she honestly thinks he would have done the other thing just as easily as he does this one.

… … …

She comes home from the office late one evening and Nate and Anne are in the living room chatting. Serena likes to joke that her boss is a stickler for firm deadlines and she writes better in the office than she does at home, but really the thing is she read this book about balancing your personal and professional lives and she wants to keep her job out of the home as much as she can. 

She wasn’t expecting company. If she’d known someone was here, she wouldn’t have said, “Fucking _winter_ ,” in disgust as she shook the snow off her jacket and kicked off her boots. 

Nate’s just grinning at her and Anne looks like she’s trying not to laugh, and the ends of Serena’s hair are wet from not being covered by her hat. She hooks her scarf over the banister of the staircase and steps into the living room. She leans down to kiss Anne’s cheek, then sits herself across Nate’s lap, because at this point, she _likes_ the way they act like teenagers, and she doesn’t care who knows it. 

“I was just leaving,” Anne says after explaining that she and Nate had planned a dinner but then the weather decided not to cooperate with their going all the way downtown. 

“Stay!” Serena insists. “We’ll order in.”

“No, darling, that’s okay,” Anne says, then reaches for her purse and Serena gets up so she and Nate can walk his mom to the door. “Nate, I trust you’ll consider our conversation.” 

“Sure,” he mumbles. Anne raises her brow. Serena feels far behind, here. “I mean yeah. Yes. I’ll consider it.”

Anne leans in to kiss his cheek, then shoots Serena a smile, says something about them getting brunch together on Sunday, and then she’s out the door. 

“What’s this top secret conversation?” Serena asks, slipping her arms around his waist. 

“Nothing,” he tells her, but she doesn’t believe him for one single second, and his grin is _way_ too big for him to even try to sell the lie. “She’s being pushy about my future. As a Vanderbilt.” 

Serena furrows her brow exaggeratedly. “What, are they going to excommunicate you, or something?” 

“No,” he chuckles. “Nothing like that. It’s nothing. You don’t have to worry.” 

“Imagine, though,” she says, then leans in to kiss him, just because she’s been thinking about him for the last three hours, since he sent her a dirty text and then asked when she’d be home. “We could go on the run.” 

“From what?” he asks. Serena shrugs her shoulder. 

“Get a cabin in the woods. You could learn to hunt. I could...boil water, or something.” Nate laughs loudly, pulls her close against him, his hand slipping into her hair. “Or we could just drain our trusts and take on new identities and live a life of luxury somewhere.” 

“These two scenarios are drastically different,” he says against her ear, then his lips move to her neck and she tilts her head to the side. “You know something?” She hums and he pulls back, pushes her hair off her shoulder. “I think I’ve realized I’ll literally do anything as long as I have you, too.” 

Her stomach flutters and she knows her eyes get all soft. God, she loves it when he talks like this. 

“Anything?” she asks, and it’s meant to be some kind of confirmation, but it comes out lower than that. Something like how she’s been feeling all evening and then all this affection that’s just rushed in. 

Nate nods. “Anything.” 

“Wanna start looking for cabins off the grid?” 

He shakes his head, then, says, “Not what I wanna do right now, no.” 

“Maybe later?” she teases, and he just says, “ _Serena_ ,” before he kisses her.

… … …

Nate doesn’t do a very good job of hiding the ring. 

He knows she likes to steal his socks, and it’s a Saturday morning and it’s chilly and she opens the drawer looking for her favourite pair. When her hand bumps against something hard, she doesn’t even have to look at it to know what it is. 

She looks anyway, obviously. 

His private conversation with his mother, and comment about his future make a lot more sense now.

The Vanderbilt diamond is sitting inside this black velvet box, and she closes it, puts it back, and spends the rest of the morning smiling. 

He comes back from playing soccer with Dan and he’s just standing in their kitchen, making a smoothie, and she leans her elbows on the counter, chin on her hands, and stares at him. 

“What?” he finally asks, laughing. 

“Have you gotten any presents for me recently?”

“What are you talking about?” he chuckles. “Did you have too much coffee, or something? You’re being crazy.” 

Serena shrugs her shoulder, moves around the kitchen island so she can slip her arms around his waist. “No. You just…” She realizes, then, that she doesn’t actually want to ruin the surprise. “You never buy me anything anymore.” 

His brow goes up and he stares at her as he switches the blender on, and they both start laughing. She loves them silly like this. 

He switches the blender off, reaches for two glasses - he’s always taking care of her even when she doesn’t need him to. Her heart does a strange thing in her chest when she thinks of _marrying_ him. 

“Well, what do you want?” he asks, and this whole thing is so stupid. She shouldn’t have said anything. “Flowers? Clothes? A trip? How big are we talkin’, here?” 

Serena takes a sip of this bright pink smoothie, locks eyes with him again, and says, “Jewelry,” and Nate just tilts his head, just slightly, like he’s wondering if she _knows_.

“Okay, Serena,” he says, kisses her temple and tells her he’s going to go jump in the shower. 

She’s _dying_ to tell someone, but she has no idea if he even plans to ask the question. Just because he has the family ring - which his mother probably gave him without him even asking for it - doesn’t mean he’s going to do anything about it. 

She’s watching TV when he goes back downstairs, flops down on the sofa next to her and puts his arm around her. 

It’s a pretty lazy Saturday, until their phones ding with calendar reminders and Nate laughs out, “Oh, shit,” and Serena groans. 

They get ready for the party they promised they’d attend, and Serena loves their walk-in closet because they each have a side, but there’s this island in the middle, so often times they’ll get distracted, just chat with each other with this thing separating them. Right now, there are two glasses of red wine sitting atop it, and the pizza they had delivered because they know there’ll be catering at this thing, but small bites won’t be enough. Nate’s chewing when he tells her she looks pretty, and she wipes her hands on a napkin before reaching out to help him button his shirt for no reason other than she wants to. 

“You know,” he tells her, zipping her dress for her before moving his lips to her neck and catching her eye in the mirror. “We could skip it.” 

“We can’t,” she insists, but doesn’t ask him to stop kissing her this way. His hands start pulling up the fabric of the dress she literally just pulled on. It’s gold, which he jokes is her signature. “Your mom is the chair of the…” 

He drops the fabric and steps back, smiling even as he shakes his head. “Yep, mentioning my mom’ll derail that train of thought.” 

Serena settles her hand on the back of his neck. “Later,” she promises before she kisses him. 

He finishes his glass of wine as he watches her do her hair. He’s sitting atop the island, now, pizza crust in one hand and his glass in the other. She opens the drawer containing her jewelry and finds what she’s looking for easily enough. 

She pulls some pieces so they’re a bit looser in her ponytail, attaches the barrette just so, so the sapphire is visible and the gold sparkles in the light. 

Nate’s smiling at her when she turns around. “You’re something else, you know that?” he says reverently. 

Serena steals the last sip of his wine, swipes on some lip gloss, then announces she’s ready as she slips her feet into her heels. 

Anne is terribly busy at the event, but she still presses her hand over her heart when she notices the piece in Serena’s hair, introduces her as, “Nathaniel’s partner, Serena, who is a very talented writer,” and Serena tries to be charming. 

She and Nate leave around midnight, and he buys her flowers from a bodega on the way home, says, “Here. I got these for you,” and presses the bouquet into her hand. “They’re not jewelry, but.” 

“I don’t need jewelry,” she tells him, and he nods, slips an arm around her waist. “I love you.” 

“Love you, too.” He presses his lips against her hair and then chuckles a bit. When she looks up at him, he just shakes his head. “You know I’m gonna give you something, right?” 

She doesn’t know if he just means _anything_ , or if he means _the thing_. 

“Of course,” she says anyway, because it honestly doesn’t matter one way or the other. 

She’s not going anywhere.

… … …

He proposes with two rings. 

Well, she’s lying in bed one Sunday morning in the summer, at this little place in the Hamptons they bought in the spring. They’ve spent an entire week here, with both of them ignoring work as much as possible, and they’ve got another week before they have to be back in the city. They spent last night walking on the beach and then reading in bed, and when he woke up before her this morning, she’d groaned and asked him where he was going. He said he’d be back soon. 

She didn’t think he was just going out of the room to get something and then coming back. 

He’s on top of her, two rings sitting in open boxes atop the covers she’s beneath. 

“One wasn’t enough,” is what he says, and Serena just stares at him, because even if she’s been expecting this, she wasn’t _expecting this_.

“Nate.” 

“What do you say?” is the first question he asks. “You wanna marry me?” 

She nods, fears her voice won’t work when she’s this close to crying, but then manages, “ _Yeah_ , I do,” and she wants to memorize the way his face looks right before he kisses her. 

“This one,” he starts, picking up the gigantic Vanderbilt diamond in one hand. “Just doesn’t feel like you.” She _loves_ him for knowing that. “But it’s yours.” She nods her head again. He tosses the box aside and it lands on the bed and she thinks there’s something so funny about this, about how blase he can be about a priceless piece of vintage jewelry. “This one took me _forever_ to find.” 

“Why?” 

He smirks. “You’re perfect,” he says, like that’s some kind of explanation. The wild thing is, the thing she loves him even more for, is that he actually thinks it, despite knowing all her flaws. “I...I know it took a while for us to get here, but Serena, I just…” 

“What?” she asks, and she feels like all she’s doing is giving him more questions to deal with, but he’s so beautiful, just sitting here smiling at her, so close to her, with this absolutely stunning engagement ring between them. 

“I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” she tells him, and then he tugs the ring from the box, tosses that aside, too, making her giggle. “And I kinda love everything it took for us to get here.” 

She watches as he slips the ring onto her finger, and if it’s possible, she thinks it looks even better there than it did in the box. He pushes his hand into her hair and she sets hers on his face and she just _wants him_ so badly. All the time. Especially now. 

Later, when they’re still in bed but the sun is coming through the south facing window, he says, “I guess we should tell people.” Serena just nods against his chest, draws a line down his side with her hand. “Blair first?” 

“No,” she says, maybe a little too quickly. She leans back to look at him. “Your mom.” 

Nate smiles like she’s precious, tips her chin up, and presses his lips to hers.

… … …

Blair and Dan elope, and Nate and Serena have a big society wedding, and it’s not lost on any of them that this is absolutely not how any of them thought those two occasions would go down. 

Dan and Blair did it at City Hall and had only Nate and Serena there as witnesses. Blair explained that with multiple sets of parents from different parts of the world al expecting different things, it was easier to just do it this way. There was a small cocktail party a few weeks later, when Blair’s dad and Roman could come in, and Dan’s mom and Jenny could come. Nate And Serena had sat in a corner together most of the night, talking about their own upcoming wedding and trying to figure out how they were going to steal some time _alone_ on the day.

Serena wears a custom gown, and Nate wears his grandfather’s cufflinks, and there are 300 people at the reception. There was a small ceremony - about 30 of their closest people - on the beach before everything moved to her family’s Hamptons house. 

She drags him into her bedroom between cocktails and dinner, and Nate goes, “Whoa,” because it’s practically a time capsule, and even though his hands are on her waist, he’s focusing on the decor, not on her. “Deja vu.” 

“Oh yeah?” she giggles. “You’ve married me before?” 

“Once,” he says, then his eyes meet hers, and _god_ he’s right. There was that one time, that week Blair was sick when they were nine and she and Nate played the same silly games they used to play with Blair. It was the only time Nate was allowed to marry anyone but Blair, and they used the stone walkway to the pool as the aisle as his mother sat on a lounge chair and read. 

“This time it’s legal.” He grins at her, takes a breath and lets it out, shaking his head like he can’t believe it. Serena puts her arm over his shoulder, wraps it around so her hand is resting over his suit jacket and he’s pulled closer. “Think we can stay in here the rest of the night?” 

“Someone might notice,” he teases, and she just bites her bottom lip and shrugs her shoulder. “I’d love to, though. You know this party’s for them, not us.” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” she says, smile on her face as her hand comes up to play with his tie. “This could be our one and only chance to see Blair dancing to Taylor Swift songs.” 

He’s about to reply when there’s a knock at the door, and he groans when Serena calls for whoever it is to come in. 

Anne pushes the door open, smiles when she sees them standing there sort of wrapped up in one another. “Sorry to interrupt. The caterer’s asking when you’d like to begin service.” 

“We’ll be right there,” Nate says, then raises his brow at Serena. She has no idea why. 

“Anne,” Serena says before the woman can walk away. “Thank you for today. I know how important this all was to you, but I really do...I’m so happy you were here to help.” 

Anne smiles, clasps her hands in front of her, and Nate squeezes Serena’s hip like he loves her just a little bit for saying all that. 

“My pleasure. My only son…” She places her hand on her heart. Serena saw her dabbing her eyes during the ceremony, too, but it’s Blair who told her Anne cried through the whole thing.

“Mom,” Nate laughs softly, then walks over and takes her hand, tugs her into the room further. 

“I just love you both,” she explains, and Serena’s eyes start to water as she reaches for Anne’s hand, too. The three of them stand there together like that for a moment until a tear spills down Serena’s cheek and they all let go. Nate brushes it away with the pad of his thumb. She catches sight of the plain gold band on his finger. She’s going to cry more. 

“We love you, too,” Serena finally answers. 

Later, when Nate’s dancing with her mom, Serena walks over and reaches for Anne’s hand, and the entire reception seems to start laughing as the two women dance together. Serena doesn’t care in the slightest. 

… … …

They have two babies in quick succession. On purpose, too, though the entire world seems to speculate on that. Eliza is just 18 months when Henry’s born, and the plan all along was that he’d be Hank. What surprises Serena most of all is that nobody, not even Blair, fights them on the nickname. 

Serena’s holding Hank, pouring Eliza some water with her free hand, and Nate comes into the kitchen with his tie loose around his neck just as his bagel pops up out of the toaster. Eliza calls out for him and he lifts her up out of her chair despite how difficult it is to get her to sit in it long enough to eat a full meal. He just shoots Serena a wink when she cuts him a bit of a look, and it’s mostly forgiven. Hank coos in her arms and she glances down at him, deep blue eyes and wisps of blonde hair and his plain grey sleeper on coordinating with her own pajamas. 

“I’ll try to cut out early,” Nate tells her, and he’s brave, to hold their daughter this way when she’s been eating bananas and he’s got on a black suit, but he doesn’t seem to care at all. “Give you some relief.” 

Serena smiles a little. She knows he doesn’t mean anything by it, but in the six weeks they’ve had two kids, all she’s heard is how she must have her hands full, and it must be so hard, and how does she find time for herself? The truth is she loves every second of it, even the hard ones, and none of it feels like anything she can’t handle. That surprises her, too. And honestly, he can say what he wants about helping her, but he's also just an incredible dad and loves their kids. Watching him with them is one of her favourite things.

“I’ll be okay. Your mom’s coming this morning for coffee.” 

“What? She is?” he asks with his mouth full of bagel, pulling his coffee cup out of Eliza’s reach on instinct when she tries to dunk her fingers into it.

“We hang out without you sometimes,” Serena jokes, and he kisses her cheek, then uses the back of his hand to wipe away some cream cheese, or something. “Honey, say bye to Daddy. He’s gotta go or he’ll be late for his 9:00 meeting.” 

Nate looks at the clock on the wall, mutters, “Shoot,” because they’ve gotten better about censoring themselves now that Eliza’s started parroting most of the things they say. “Bye, baby. I love you.” He kisses Eliza’s cheek and she echoes the words back to him. He sets her into her chair again, then brushes his fingers over Hank’s hair, leans down and kisses their son’s head, murmurs something Serena pretends not to hear. “Bye,” he says to Serena, sets his hand on her hip and kisses her. “You look...This is good.” 

“Yeah?” she asks seductively, tilting her head to the side, pushing her stringy hair off her shoulder. “I call this ‘sleepless chic’.” 

Nate takes her hand as he laughs, holds it up so she’ll do a twirl, which has all of them giggling, even Eliza, and then pulls her against him carefully again. “It’s really working for me.” 

He leaves her with that and a kiss, and then Hank’s hungry, and Eliza’s asking for more toast, and Serena reaches for what’s left of Nate’s coffee, takes a bite of his bagel and gives the rest to Eliza. 

By the time Anne comes two hours later, Serena’s been able to shower, get dressed, outfit both kids, tidy the kitchen, and answer a few emails she’s been putting off. Anne walks right into the house, which is a thing Serena is more than okay with. She, herself, is lying on the floor as Hank bats away at this toy and Eliza works on a puzzle. She gets up and toddles over to Anne, who picks her up and smoothes her hand over the girl’s hair. It makes Serena smile. 

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Anne suggests after about 40 minutes, and it’s completely transparent; when Anne asked how things were, shortly after arriving, Serena mentioned not having been outside since two days ago. 

They’re walking towards Central Park, Serena sipping from the cup of coffee Anne bought her, when Hank starts to fuss and Serena reaches down easily and rubs her thumb back and forth over the bottom of his foot to calm him. She doesn’t even remember how she discovered that trick, but it works more often than it doesn’t. 

Eliza is holding Anne’s hand, saying, “Grandma,” every time she wants to say something, as if Anne is paying attention to anything that isn’t her grandbaby. Anne is every bit as good with the children as Serena knew she’d be. She’s as good with them - better, even - than she’d been with Serena and Eric and Nate when they were little. 

“I can’t get over it,” Anne says, shaking her head. She’s cradling Hank in her arms and they’re watching Eliza chase grasshoppers a few feet away. “She’s your spitting image.” 

Serena laughs a bit, looks over at her daughter, her hair coming loose from its braid and her little squeal when a grasshopper jumps out of her hands. 

“Scary thought,” she says, and Anne is shaking her head already. 

“No, sweetheart,” Anne counters, and they share a smile, and Serena’s eyes meet her mother-in-law’s. “Not at all.”


End file.
